L really doesn’t need as much sleep as we need him to have. We need the full 12 hours of rest from him and that’s why we put him to bed at 7. His natural time to sleep isn’t until about 8:30. That’s problematic because his parents’ natural time to sleep is 9:30. One hour of wakeful reprieve is simply not enough. So, we put S down at 6:30 and tell L he’s staying up late when he gets that extra 1/2 hour until 7. Then we slog through a bedtime routine full of more manipulations, chases, battles and tears than I care to think about. By 8:00 we’re ready to be on our own, relaxing. We expect our fully wakeful son to just stay in his room relatively quietly until he’s ready to go to sleep on his own. He does not do as we expect. (Which, really, is what we expect.)
All this is a long way of saying that when he comes out of his room every 22 seconds to tell us of an urgent need for water, a last hug, a toy he forgot downstairs, a band-aid, some itchy cream, etfuckingcetera, we are displeased. Instead of hearing a cute little voice in that annoying fake-sweet voice he puts on, we hear the manipulative little devil that he is.
But last night, I had a decent amount of wine. I was in a good mood. Also, yesterday I had 7 full child-free hours! So, I was in a really excellent mood. Instead of just yelling upstairs, I went upstairs. Instead of just unceremoniously marching him back into his room, I smiled at him, held his hand, and sat on his bed.
He then explained to me that he and his two teddy bears are lions. The big teddy bear is his brother lion and the little teddy bear is his baby son who he has to take care of. And they are a family. But they had no food to eat. And they already ate all the sticks. But they were still hungry. So they ate his brother, the big bear. They cut him right here and here and drank up all his blood, because that is what some people do. He then lovingly set up a bed at the foot of his own bed in which he tucked the small bear, his son. He sang a lullaby, kissed him, and gently covered him with one of his own lovies. His own lovey, people!
After this whole strange scene I left thinking, “What a loving, caring and imaginative son I have!” Normally, I’d leave a scene like this fretting about my blood-sucking-sociopath 4-year-old. But like I said, I had a decent amount of wine.
Moral of the story? I think the moral is that I should drink more, but that seems like a weird moral. I’ll have to look further to see if there might be some other moral in there somewhere.
Ugh, am I the only person who does NOT like this blog? I say “no, thanks” and, I am glad not to live anywhere near this family.
Then stop reading it. The rest of think it’s a hilarious and honest assesment of motherhood.
Wow..you sure are rude. If you don’t like it, no need to comment or even read. Just move along and keep shit to yourself!
No, I’m sure there are others. They simply choose not to read it and, and not waste their time being critical of something that’s not really for them anyway.
So go already. There are people who like honesty, and there’s plenty of it here.
You live closer to more families like this than you realize. You may want to step down off of your high throne and get over yourself a bit.
Saskia- I am going to guess that you are not a mother that actually personally takes care of your children, or your humor quotient is on empty. Either way, you probably don’t belong here anyway. Come back when you have figured out how to laugh.
Well said.
oh for goodness’ sake.
Yes.
Please shut it and go away. Seriously, you REALLY took the time to BOTHER to give a nasty comment… get back on your high horse and trot away.
Do you… think you’re not on the blog itself? That you’re commenting somewhere else? What a bizarre comment to leave on post on a personal blog.
No, I think that’s the right moral. Cheers! Oops, shit, it’s still morning. Um, no, I’m not spiking my coffee, why?
Ha! :)))
I think you have the right moral. Wine helped you relax, and relaxing makes just about everything more bearable, and sometimes even enjoyable! Cheers!
And you thought you would never write a children’s story. Pfft. May I please illustrate it for you before you self-publish?
I have days like this. Sometimes, when my two boys haven’t over-wound my springs, I can even find their attempts at manipulation funny, clever and effective. Have a good day.
I remember as a very young person, maybe 4 or 5, having these wild waking dreams where I would have to sacrifice myself to save my family — and it involved be cut here, here, and here and having my blood pumped out of my still alive body for my captors to eat while my family got away. I think as children our understanding of love is a bit weird. I think, under the scary blood-letting part, is a very sweet concept of devotion.
And yes, a full glass or two of wine can often make it a little easier to step back from the anger. Liquid patience.
I guess I should add that I turned out fairly emotionally well-balanced and now have a family of my own and stuff…
No morals here, but a suggestion from your sister in motherhood who also used to have a hard time getting her kids to stay in their rooms after bedtime. I read somewhere to put 3 little rewards in their doorway. It could be stickers to add to a chart, pennies, nickles, whatever works in your situation. Each time they come out of their room (or call you to go in) they lose one. Whatever is left by morning is theirs to keep. Worked for us.
I like this idea. But what’s to stop the kids from opening the door, taking the 3 things and hiding them somewhere? That’s what L would do.
I’ve heard this same idea but done with stickers or tape. You stick the stickers on the ground at intervals, the threat being that the door will be shut if you exit too many times, and then in the morning, you receive the giftie that corresponds with the sticker — hence no stealing. However it sounds like L is smart enough to move the sticker 😉
I have the door knob covers duct taped on the kids knobs. when we begin night time potty training I will be going in and after that we will revisit the coverless knobs issue. Duct tape is our hero against the twins escapes.
I’m totally stealing that idea. LOVE IT!
I have a really hard time keeping up with stickers and awards. Great idea just not for my ADD self. I drink wine and I find that I am always a much better parent, it’s a little depressing, but that’s my reality. I should move to France, it would be no more yelling and wine all day!
I say drink more wine! 🙂 oh, and STFU Saskia NY!! If you don’t like the blog then don’t read! No one is holding you down and making you! I love this blog! It helps to make us all feel like we are not going crazy!! We are normal parents just trying to get by day by day with whatever is thrown at us!! Keep writing because I’m going to keep reading!
It’s weird I often find myself thinking that I need to drink more now that I’m a mother. Maybe that is the dirty little secret no one will tell us about this motherhood thing. Whatever gets us to focus on the cute stuff and that is pretty darn cute.
You’re gaining perspective. And he’s getting old enough for you to see the goodness that’s in him. (Even though little boys don’t often let it peek through.) Peek into his world more often. Then you’ll get to see even more of it!
And, yes, wine helps.
i def find that we have more quality bed times on the nights i have a glass of wine first!
I’d also like to say, i may drink more often now that i am a mother but the amount I dink at one time is waaaaay less. Now i might have one or two drinks and thats it before i had a kid i would only drink to get drunk which was only once in a while but still its abuse on the body. there is a BIG difference. so i say have a little wine!!!
Maybe the moral is that you should listen to your mother. If some wine can do that for you, imagine what some pot could do!!
despite the blood and gore and possible cannibalism (which is par for a young boy’s course, no?) I see a kid who associates family with being gentle and giving and affectionate. maybe that’s not a moral, but it seems pretty sweet.
I often find drunk parenting is the solution to many of my problems. As long as I am not driving it seems to make me more relaxed, more easy going, anud more gullible to the boys charm?!??
No other moral necessary. You found it.
I agree wholeheartedly with drinking more. In fact, I just bought my seasonal bottle of hot toddy-making “White Christmas”, a delightful mixture of brandy and rum. It goes beeeeeeeeautifully in a mug of hot cider. A mug of hot cider seems less lush-like, especially to the 15 year old and the 11 year old. The 8 year old doesn’t care.
This blog is so funny and down-to-earth! I’m not a drinker, but I can totally relate to this post. Thanks for keeping it real, Allison!
I never really was a drinker, and even now I only have the occasional glass of wine. But I’m finding the closer my son gets to two, the more necessary it is at the end of my day ;0)
I don’t know what it says about me that I found L’s story very charming without any wine in me at all.
I have found the more “whining” that goes on with my kids, the more “wining” I need to do to get through until bed time. Glad to hear other mothers on here acknowledge that a little wine can go a long way with kids:) Very cute story.
Does he have a bedside lamp? When my boys got to that frustrating point where I needed them to be done for the day but they weren’t sleepy yet, I bought them bedside lamps – the kind that clip on the headboard. They can read, play, whatever as long as the only light is from that lamp and they stay in their beds. Sometimes they turned it off and went to sleep, sometimes they fell asleep in a pile of baseball guys with the light on. It was the beautiful kind of compromise where we both felt like we won. And those extra minutes of kid-free time (and the nightcap that often accompanies) made it a whole lot more possible to handle the times when it didn’t work.
The real moral though? When you listen to your kids – really listen – even when they are being batshit crazy or talking about stuff that doesn’t seem to matter at all, they become better kids. And as busy parents we often don’t make the time to really listen. I’m incredibly guilty of that. So, if a glass of wine takes the edge off amd lets you make the time, that’s not a bad thing. Unless, of course, you start needing that wine at midday…
I can so relate to this post. If you haven’t seen it yet, go to YouTube and search for “Samuel L Jackson go the f**k to sleep” and watch it. You’ll thank me.
Awww it is so cute to know that the only way you can find your kid adorable and smart and relaxing is while being under the influence of alcohol 🙂 And yes I am a mother, but thank God! not to a demon like L! Enjoy fucking up your life and his
How dare you call someone’s child a demon! If you don’t like this blog, simply don’t read! But to resort to calling L a demon? Lady, you qualify as a class A cunt and I am sure your children need to be high as a fucking kite to tolerate your snotty ass!
Really??? Do you not get that this is humor? Don’t be a douche.
…and I’m sure you’re teaching your infallible children how to be just as snide and judgmental as you are. Kudos.
@ Vay – Well aren’t you rude. 😀 And yes I am a mother, but thank God! not to opinionated little shits like yours will no doubt be! Enjoy teaching your children to be judgemental brats & how to fuck up the world for everyone around them with their negativity.
You are such a rude moron. a sense of humor will get you so much further in life than the stick you have jammed up your ass. I feel so sorry for your children that they have to be raised by a passive aggressive humorless witch. If you don’t like the tone of this hilariously honest and anecdotal blog then stop being a kill joy and stop reading it and commenting with your bitchy nonsense.
Awww, it’s so cute to know that the only way you can feel better about yourself is while insulting another mother! 😀 Yes, I am a daughter, but thank God! not to someone like you! I hope you’re kinder to your real life friends when they are having a bad moment, or you are going to find yourself very lonely when you need some support.
I think its obvious that the women who enjoy this blog are down to earth moms who understand the no child is perfect and no mother is perfect and we are just trying to figure out this journey step by step. We slip, we make mistakes, but we LOVE our children and wouldn’t trade them for anything. Any mom who puts their kid on a pedistal and can’t see what hellions they can be is not being honest with herself. THAT type of parenting is what screws up kids. Being so damn judgemental and calling children names (as an adult – how low can you go????) is also a pretty awful model for your kids to follow. P.S. if there were any spelling errors its because I am on a anxiety med right now….and wow my kids DO seen a lot more adorable at the moment!
Just stumbled upon this. Sober. I have said countless times, that I am a better mother after a couple of drinks. Thanks for the laugh!
@Vay- I think it would be cute if you weren’t a mean, nasty, miserable hag. If you don’t like the flow of these blogs then go and don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. And how dare you call someone’s child a demon. Somebody might say the same about your precious Children of the Corn. Seriously.
I turned my kids doorknobs around and locked them in at night (if course, I made sure to go unlock them once they went to sleep) – they were usually asleep in less than 30 minutes.
These days, they get melatonin every night (Docs suggestion as one is ADD) and all go right to sleep 🙂
Your son might be a 4 year old sociopath (which is highly doubtful since most boys seem to be naturally bloodthirsty, or, at least MY son is which must mean it’s natural, right? Right? ;)) BUT look how loving and caring he is too. I am not even sure my son would give his blankie up for a beloved stuffed animal. He has to get that from somewhere though so you and your husband are definitely doing something right! I sure wish I could get 7 hours of child-free bliss…jealous!
I love this blog, but get depressed in the comments sections. Why, if someone is a voice of dissent, do the supporters of this blog have to sink to their level? Some people will not like this blog and that is life.
Calling another mother a c**t? Returning insults about L with insults about her own children? Dreadful. It makes what is a wonderfully funny and honest blog an aggressive and defensive place.
This is a really good point and it’s what I think about when I decide whether or not to delete comments like Vay’s. People are totally allowed to disagree with me, and if they did in a normal way, I’m sure other people would respond in a more rational dialogue. But when someone writes and inflammatory comment, it does just what was intended – inflames people. You’ve got to take it all with a grain of salt. My readers were just trying to stand up for me, which I totally appreciate.
Of course, and if someone was bashing me, I’d appreciate others standing up for me too. But not in this way. It’s completely unacceptable. It smacks of the playground where you, Allison, are the benevolent ringleader, and if anyone criticises you they get their ass kicked by the group. It makes the whole process a lot less enjoyable. If the people who stick up for you are as aggressive or more, as the occasional ones who attack you, what’s the difference?
I know what you mean, @the chip monk. I love that more and more people are discovering Allison’s blog and interacting with each other. That’s a blogger’s dream! It shows how much people adore this blog. But I don’t love the hostility that I see in some comments. Yet – I get what Allison says, too: Hostility begets hostility, I guess.
Allison, I admire your brave posts. I have been a bit paralyzed lately on my blog because more people in my town know about it and I’ve been worried about saying too much. I love that you couldn’t care less what people think. I wish as fearless.
Thank you. I bet if you tried to push a little past your comfort zone, you’d get a great, positive response. The first time I did it I was sure I killed my fledgling blog, but the opposite happened. People appreciated the honesty.
I know what you’re staying re the hostility and I’m torn about what to do about it. I don’t want to over-moderate.
I have just recently started drinking a few times a week. I haven’t drank for 7 years till now..lol.. I have to have that one drink some nights though or I would go insane. It’s not like we drink to get drunk and wasted. It’s to relax and chill out. When you have twin boys that are 4 and a daughter that just turned 3, you Have to have Something to help you make it day by day with out going bonkers. My choice is Captain Morgans and Pepsi though. One glass is all I need to relax 🙂
Allison, think of it this way. You’ve gotten enough readership to stir the base of mothers who want everyone to think their child is perfect, because then, by inferrence, those women are perfect too. They’re just lying to themselves that none of the craziness thatn motherhood brings is happening in their house. Feel sorry for them; know that there are enough of us who adore your writing for saying what most of us are thinking. And no child is a demon. What kind of person would even write that about another woman’s child?
I second this!
Did you forget to feed him dinner? That would explain it.
Allison, the way I understand it is that if you get hate comments, you know you’ve really made it…congratulations!
And by the way, I second the motion of drinking to take the edge off of parenting. God invented liquor to make sure more of us moms don’t kill and eat our young. Great post! I loved the little story L told you. Those mommy moments are what get us through all the bullshit.
I feel I should mention that I thought of you as I bought another gallon of apple juice, the good stuff with the silt at the bottom, the cloudy kind. As was noted a few days ago, I just bought my hot toddy booze… well, the first bottle of the season. Damn kids drank most of the previous gallon.
Darling! Have you Mamas heard of the story book “Go The F*&Ck to Sleep!” I was lucky to catch the narrated version on Youtube…narrated by Samuel l Jackson oh yes. It is gone now, but I NEED that book. You NEED that book. http://www.nerve.com/news/books/listen-samuel-l-jackson-narrates-go-the-fuck-to-sleep
Oh my I laughed over the comments as much as this post!
I’ve got that book. lol. It’s awesome. 😀
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/81588689/ here is the Audio for “Go The F*$ck to Sleep”
Isn’t it amazing how a little post about wine – not even hard alcohol – generates so much vehemence and protection? Well, I’m with you. A little wine takes the edge off. And if you run out of wine, I find that margaritas, mohitos, cosmos also do the trick.
I skimmed through all the commentary. First I’m going to say continue ignoring them. Everyone has an opinion and is entitled to it, they shoudl just preferably keep it to themselves when it is less the kind.
My original comment was simply to say that wine does indeed make everything better. =)
Allison, awhile ago, I said sometime along the lines of if my children ever said they hated me, my head would spin around and explode and they know my limits, etc, yada yada yada. I am here to public confess and take back my words.
Recently after a very routine, even boring incident (fight with sister, sent to room for five mintues), my five year old son posted a picture on my door of an enormous boulder falling on my head, me with x’s for eyes and blood spurting out of my mouth. (or maybe that was my head exspolding).
So there. Nine kids and what the heck do I know? lol
LOVE this blog!!!! I usually have the kids join me in mocktail hour!! They get pineapple juice with a cherry….momma gets the same with a heavy splash of RUM!!!!
us moms really need to stick together. we are too hard on each other. it’s also important to note that when another mom tells you about her kid or what she does with her kid, if you don’t do that with your kid, do not take it as her rubbing it in your face that she thinks you’re a bad mom. i have a friend who constantly poo-poos my parenting because she doesn’t do what i do (for example, my 3 yr old doesnt have a tv, hers has a tv & dvd in his room, i dont give my 3 yr old soda, she does and i have seen her do it, and she told me “Bulls–t” when i said i dont-even though she hasnt seen my daughter in 2 years). it frustrates me that my good parenting is the source of her anger and she takes it out on me. when you know better, you do better
I JUST found this blog today (10/23) and I LOVE it! Piss on the ones that don’t like it girl. This is real life you’re talking about.
this is reality here. i am a mom of a very active toddler and there are times that i wish he would just shut up and not whine for anything he thinks he needs. all those things can be emotionally and physically draining.
i dont see the point of the haters of this blog. this is reality. this is what regular moms experience day in and out. moms are pulled in every direction and there will come a point that you just want some peace and quiet for yourself. whats wrong with that i say!
like tonya, i just discovered this blog and i love it! its real and raw and very honest. keep it up 🙂
have you ever read this mom’s blog? I see a lot in common…maybe I am wrong, but maybe not.
http://stefaniewildertaylor.com/2009/05/secrets/