Motherhood is a multifaceted job – much like a gemstone that you hold in your hand turning in the light watching the angles and corners and surfaces glimmer and shine different, unexpected ways, only with more poop. As a mom I’m both hero and villain. I’m playmate and disciplinarian, teacher and student, and a bunch of other less glamorous things like chef, maid, coffee-chugger, insomniac, bathroom coach, and budding alcoholic. I have more roles than I can list because new ones arise every day. Am I an expert nail cutter, splinter-getter-outer? I am now. And, as a feather in my lovely mom-cap, as one last sexy thing I do, I plunge toilets. Often.
Indoor plumbing was not made with L in mind. His small body produces surprisingly unflushable waste. And to exacerbate the unflushable situation further, he apparently cannot learn the appropriate amount of toilet paper one needs. Although he frequently throws his dirty toilet paper in the garbage, (Oh, yeah, I’m also dirty toilet paper garbage digger. I’m so hot.) he does sometimes remember to dispose of these enormous bunches of paper in the toilet.
We all watch the toilet flush murmuring “please, please, please” under our collective breaths.
Usually I catch it in time before an actual overflow. I can plunge while holding that ball thing up in the back while defensively body checking small curious people out of the way. Sometimes I’m too late. Then I’m standing in a growing puddle of horror, while plunging, and screaming for small curious people to go far far away.
I hate this job.
This job, and so many others like it, is what it means to be a grown-up. As a kid I really wanted to be a grown-up. I had romantic ideas of doing whatever I wanted (ha!) whenever I wanted (haha!) and staying up late (hahaha!). I thought I’d wear fabulous clothes (snort!) and lead and exciting life (sob!). Had I known that being a grown-up actually entailed so much toilet plunging and other people’s body parts and fluids then I might have relished my childhood a little more. I might have enjoyed my irresponsibility, the fact that the buck never stopped here.
What are your responsibilities that let you know you’ve finally arrived at adulthood?
Gee – let me count the ways:
5) Saying things that I swore I never would, like “because I said so”, and “don’t you give me that look,”.
4) Licking my fingers and scrubbing dried food off my sons face or wiping snot from his nose with my bare fingers.
3) Killing the spider MYSELF to spare my kids’ life.
2) Sitting across from my husband during a date night trying to think of something to talk about other than bills, kids or jobs.
1) Going to sit at a miserable job for 8-9 hours a day so I can come home and know that I’m providing a good life and hopefully a bright future for my kids.
Thanks for the blog!
Being forced to arrange for a healthy dinner on a nightly basis, at a decent time, because little people can’t wait until 8:30 at night and then eat something crappy, like ice cream (For dinner! it’s got milk, and eggs…and with bits of brownie, flour too! that’s like, three food groups!)
Love this! I am a 35 year old mother of two. 6 and 4 years old. I can identify with your clever posts in every way. Thanks for the laughs!
All of the above. I so HATE dealing with bodily fluids!!! I start the “joy” of potty training my second (and God willing my last) child next week when she turns 2.5. UGH the messes ahead of me like I don’t have enough already.
I sympathize with you. My oldest (6) has been a toilet clogger since he potty trained. Both he and my 3y/o continue to use all the toilet paper putting the shit smeared ones in the garbage bin and putting the rest of the roll in the toilet. Mom-Plumber is my least favorite job next to line cook, waitress, and the person who hand mops the dining room floor after every meal!
Sure, you wanted to be a grown-up. A grown-up MAN!
So true!
Is it a coincidence that a mother’s pinky nail is the same size as a child’s nostril?? I think not.
Evolution in action.
Awesome. Perfect observation!!!
I am sure there are lots of moments now that I am a mom of three, oh and I have one like your son. One day I dropped a small piece of paper on the floor. I did not pick it up right away. Later in the day, I realized that the paper was still on the floor and no one else had picked it up. Why, because mom always picks up those things. I realized, I am mom and now it is my turn to pick up the little pieces of paper on the floor.
OMG…this is so funny….and so our family/me too 🙂 I just love your blog. Today it gave me a real laugh because we just went through the same thing the other day with our 3 yo. I absolutely laughed at # 3 on Lisa’s list above…I still hate spiders, but I will kill one when the kids are freaking out! Here’s some of the other things I never thought I’d say or have to do after I grew up:
5. Say-because I’m the mom that’s why.
4. Get your fingers/hands out of: nose, rear end, ears, toilet, cat box, dog food etc.
3. We don’t stick ______ (insert object) into nose, rear end, ears, toilet, etc.
2. Having to give a cranky baby an pedia lax enema because he can’t poop-and cleaning up the subsequent mess.
1. Having the hubby act as the 5th child when any of the kids get diarreah, vomit, super snot sneeze etc. and he’s sitting there saying “I can’t do it – I’m going to be sick” -referring to helping me clean up or change said child, clothing, diapers or bedding while he’s gagging and choking and almost making himself vomit…leaving me to clean up all the mess/do all the work once again!
Love, love, love your blog!!!!
Nail on the head Sister, nail on the head…
And just this morning I eeyed our sole plunger and thought, “Fuck a duck, I need more of these!” I have a champion toilet clogger in my 4yo Beans. She makes man poop.
Internet hig five. Let’s grow old and drunken together?
I do.
You know, in Korea that actually want you to throw used toilet paper in the trash can because there sewer system pipes are so small…so maybe its best that L throws his used paper away….saves on the unclogging of the toilet, no?
Have you considered a new toilet? We were having a bit of trouble with ours not flushing well enough (turns out the little holes under the lip of the toilet get corroded and don’t create enough gravitational pull for excellent flushing — who knew?!) and the solution was a $50 replacement toilet from Home Depot. It might not be enough to handle super excessive amounts of toilet paper — but I couldn’t clog the damn thing so I think L would have trouble as well … Plus, the plumber who came ($80 for install) was super cute.
How I know I’ve finally arrived to Adulthood:
1. Suffering through playdates with mothers I can’t stand only because my kid likes their kid.
2. Continuing to wear shirts that are filled with rips, holes and stains (and having my mother constantly comment on my shabby attire) because my kids need new shoes/ new clothes/ new underwear and that is more important.
3. Being on a dinner date with Husband…..but STILL shoveling in my food at lightening speed just because that’s what I’m used to now.
4. Trying to feign excitement and wonder when I see a cow/excavator/dump truck or any other totally normal and boring sight because my kids sitting in the back seat of the car think it’s the most awesome thing they’ve ever seen.
5. Finding my eldest son flipping through my copy of the Kama Sutra, totally muted in awe and trying to answer the question “what are they doing?”
6. However, I also know I’ve arrived, when my boys are sick…..and no matter who is holding them, when I arrive, they lean out of said person’s arms desperately reaching for “Mom” because as we all know…..no matter how old we are, we always seem to want our moms when we feel like shit.
I love #6, miamamma35. That’s when I feel like a “real” mom. I was just saying to my husband the other day that I am still occasionally dumbfounded that I’m an adult. It occurs at mundane moments–both mom and non-mom–like writing checks to the water company, folding little underoos, wiping “noogies” off my baby’s face in the AM, being behind the wheel of an SUV, peeking in at two sleeping boys before hitting the sack myself, planting flowers near the mailbox, greeting the receptionist at my law office in the AM with a hearty “good morning,” etc. You’d think the novely of adulthood would have worn off by 34, but it hasn’t at times. 🙂
Just last night I two pukers in the family and renewed my certification in Picking-Other-People’s-Vomit-Out-Of-The-Carpet.
Around here, if the kids aren’t making me do something gross, it’s the animals. I am SO over bodily waste.
I don’t know. I’m quite proud of my prowess as “plunger of the house”. For some reason my husband just can’t get the hang of it and freaks his freak thinking we have to get a new toilet etc etc etc and woe. I? bust out the plunger and take care of bidness whilst he hems and haws. he’s always shocked when it’s “fixed”. I dunno. Maybe toilets have higher capacity in his native Canada? Whatever the reason, it always makes me feel all-powerful and handy.
oh and the ball-holding-hip-checking-plunging move? I know it well.
Isn’t it awful that as children we pantomimed cooking dinner, cleaning, changing diapers like these were glamorous things we couldn’t wait to do? What were we thinking?
I think wiping children’s butts is worse than changing diapers. But I’m often shocked by exactly what comes out of my 4.5 year olds.
I agree, Marta! I don’t mind the diapers. They are babies. They poop. They need help. But wiping butts of older kids is just, well, YUCKY to me. There’s a reason we didn’t pretend THAT when we were kids.
Finding that I am actually in the mood for sex and not being able to do it because there is a child in our bed and the dog will start barking at us if we try and do it downstairs. I guess there is always the minivan. How hot is that?
I can relate to most above lol…but the thing I love is answering and teaching them, knowing they will one day go through (possibly) parenthood. I answer the same general questions too often. Teaching them to always ask questions bites me in the butt sometimes but they will never go unanswered. I hate cleaning up messes due to silly behavior but they learn ‘we make a mess, we clean it up’ there are so many things in this jearney that make us cringe but when we sit back and look at the bigger picture it is all so worth it. We get a chance to educate and love a human life that can do something with there lives! Go into the world and be a somebody…its a powerful thing.
I just found myself poking through my daughter’s poop in order to figure out what the heck just came out. With my bare hands. I didn’t even realize until I was washing them. (I think it was pieces of red crayon…I hope.)
I most miss my childhood ability to sleep when I was tired. Nap without feeling guilty. Have someone drive the car while I dozed. Ahh. Now I have to remind myself not to fall asleep or my daughter will jump off the balcony. Must not close my eyes, must not close my eyes…
The one responsibility that let me know I’d arrived at adulthood is safeguarding my child’s innocence. There is no feeling greater as a mom than when my son comes out with things that offer such a pure, unspoiled view of the world. Seeing him sprawled in sleep, carefree and safe; seeing him look at things in an untainted way… that tells me that so far, I’m holding up my end. He’s seven and it won’t last forever, but the one thing that says I’m an adult is that I can give my child a childhood.
ok, I think that qualifies as my sapfest of the day.
Oh sista I feel you! I am a mother to 5, yes I said 5! Ranging from 3-18. If my brain wasn’t so fried from all of my motherly duties and much, MUCH more I could actually come up with a lot more to add. But I can’t think of anything, LOL!!
Ladies lift up your glass and give a Cheers to ourselves. Without us aka Super Hero-SuperWomen I don’t think the world would last.
Thanks for making me laugh. I am glad I am not the only one in the world who knows exactly what your saying and what your feeling!!
TFS-Rori
I’m finally going to comment on your cleverly articulated and well thought out blog! Firstly, I stumbled on your blog back in July and I have gone through every single post and am now bummed that I am caught up as I just can’t get enough of your writing! (could you, maybe, post every 4-5 hours, please?) I have a 10 mo boy and I read your experiences with an eye to the future. . .whoa!.
Secondly, the most daunting and glaringly “adult”/responsible challenge on my plate right now is taking care of legal paperwork: a will and establishing guardianship for our son “just in case”- HATE having to even go down this road. . .
Thirdly, which Mommy blogs do you admire and follow? Now that I’m caught up with yours, I need to branch out and find another blog to entertain me during my pumping sessions!
Thanks and keep the posts coming!
LOL. Oh, sure. I can totally post every 4-5 hours. You’ll come here to watch my kids and cook and clean, right? 😉 Check out my blogroll for my faves. http://motherhoodwtf.com/blog-roll/
Before I had my 2nd sip of coffee a few days back, I cleaned dog diarrhea out of the carpet, changed a poopy diaper, scooped the cat poop and plunged the toilet. A sure sign of a good day to come when you clean poop of 4 other beings before getting a chance to go yourself. The next morning the dog diarrhea was found on my sandals – ya think he was trying to tell me something? Thankfully, my husband found it and got stuck with the clean-up which of course meant the end of those comfortable, cute sandals.
But yeah, I would love to go back to the careless freedom and no responsibilities of being a kid!! Of course I actually sort of knew it back then and did enjoy it, but I’m really not liking this whole being the grown-up crap now!!
The day my oldest (who was 2 at the time) threw up on me…and it got in my hair…and no one cared because HE was the sick one…and we were at the ER, so all I got was a couple of dingy hospital gowns and a vague finger-point to the bathroom to clean up…yeah, that’s when I knew…but for 5 seconds, I forgot I was someone’s mom or even a grown-up…my world condensed down to only one fact – I had vomit in my hair…
OMG…that reminds me of when my second oldest son and I were at the store shopping and he was complaining of having a tummy ache. I didn’t think much of it until he puked in my purse (it had a big front pocket that was open) and crapped his pants at the same time….YUCK!!! And since I was SO smart to think I wouldn’t need his bag and left it at home because we just had to run and pick something up quick…I ended up buying new underwear and a completely new set of clothes…the ladies at the store were nice enough to let me put the new clothes/unders on him in the bathroom prior to paying since he was such a mess! I have NEVER went ANYWHERE without their bags ever again!! And as a side note…he must have really hated that purse because he puked in that pocket on 3 other occassions not related to the incident listed above. After the 4th time I decided it wasn’t worth cleaning anymore!!
And my follow-up comment: went upstairs at my bedtime last night, bent over to kiss the baby, who smelled very strongly of sour milk. Started feeling around and realized half the crib mattress was covered in milk/rice cereal puke. Baby was smack dab in the middle of it, covered head to toe, including his “Something About Mary” hair, asleep. Sigh.
The toilet plunger used to be a tool that was hidden under the kitchen sink. Now we use it so often, we just leave it next to the toilet. It has become a very handy device for storing additional rolls of toilet paper – which is a good thing since I seem to be the only member of the house that actually replaces the empty roll of toilet paper.
Wait, I am an adult?! Oh crap!
When I had a 2yo with speech issues and constant ear infections and a clingy skinny newborn and the new doctors in the new town I just moved to weren’t helping me.
I had to follow my gut and ended up being the one to diagnose my own kid with the need for ear tubes and speech therapy to be provided by the state. I had to be the one who researched ENTs and surgeons and hospitals, arrange for childcare for my 1yo while I personally walked my 34mo into the Operating Room and held him down for anesthesia.
I realized this is some serious shit.
Also? When my baby boy began dropping Man Logs the size of my arm on my living room floor instead of the potty. That took the sheen off my youth pretty damn quickly.
Oh gawd, Allison. We had a toilet incident just last night. Not only did Miss L plug it up with too much toilet paper but then it overflowed. And then? It leaked through the ceiling onto the kitchen stove. When you’re cleaning up poo water on two levels of your house …. well, what’s more grown-up than that?
After plunging and going through WAY too much toilet paper for too long, we just instituted a new policy: J. Has to measure the TP pieces, nothing longer than the footstool (he has no problem bending forward to do this, but it could be his leg, or twice the width of his lap), and he shouldn’t need more than 5 or 6 pieces of that length, and he must LOOK to see if he is done! We’ve had fewer clogs as a result.
I realized I had to be a responsible adult the day I had to kill the GIANT spider walking across the kitchen floor. Husband at work 😦 Kids (and for once even the dogs) ran away from the thing. I had to beat it (several hits as it kept on going) to death with a shoe, pick it up with a ream of paper towel and take it to the dumpster. That was it–youth over!
Oh – yea! Mom of three here (all adopted from China at various ages and completely out of birth order!) DITTO everything.. I knew I was a mother (adult) when in my 3rd change (due to puking baby) of professional attire.. the baby puked on me again.. and all I cared about was the Lovey. “SAVE the Lovey!” Spending our first 3 days as parents (in china with our new 10 month old) “Has she pooped yet? It’s not good if they don’t poop!! Do you have stuff to make her poop? Maybe one of the other Moms has stuff to make her poop” etc. For.three.days. In. China. Then she pooped and it was all good.. LOL Love the Blog.. laughed so hard!!
Missy
The first time I caught throw up in my hands & didn’t care because my baby was sick. Or trying to keep a 2 yr old corraled while changing an exploded diaper on a newborn in a public bathroom& When I realized that I didn’t get a shower everyday & the days I do it takes me 3 minutes!
I’m gonna have to go with…
finding my son laying on his brand new car rug, gold mining in his diaper, using his older sister’s play kitchen “pizza cutter”..(yes, I have blogged this) Gotta hand it to them, kids are so creative…or did I mean to say…INSANELY ANNOYING?!
Everything! Basically just that recurring moment of realization that there’s no one else going to do x. I have to do x, or x will remain undone.