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Archive for the ‘The Funny Things He Says’ Category

Yesterday was our 8 year wedding anniversary. I told L in the morning that we were going to cook something special for Daddy and explained it was our anniversary.

Throughout the day we had some interesting conversations. Here are a few snippets:

L: Are you going to wear your married clothes for dinner?

me: You mean my wedding dress? No.

L: Why? It’s our 8 year married day!

me: Well, it’s a very fancy dress. And it doesn’t fit me anymore.

L: Oh, you got too tall?

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In the car:

L: Are you done looking in the mirror?

me: Why? What is it you want to do back there that you don’t want me to see?

L: Am I allowed to sleep in the car, or are you going to make me stay awake?

me: You can rest if you want.

L: I’m just so tired. I need to rest so I can stay awake for the dancing part after dinner.

(I have no idea where he got the idea that there would be a dancing part.)

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L: Are we going to sing “Happy Birthday?”

me: No. It’s not anyone’s birthday.

L: But it’s our 8 year married day! What will we sing?

me: I don’t know. What would you like to sing?

L: “Happy Birthday.”

me: To who?

L: Me, I guess. It’s not your birthday.

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L: I think Daddy would like Batman on his cake. And a big huge heart cookie. With frosting. And Batman on it. He told me to tell you that.

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In the end life got in the way of our special dinner. I ended up getting home after T; knowing I’d have two hungry kids in tow, he had made a big batch of scrambled eggs for everyone. I paired the eggs with Pinot Noir. L informed us when it was time for dancing. We danced. And sang.

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Conversation between L and T while L sat on the toilet playing with his Superman action figure:

L: Do you think my toys come alive when I’m not here?

T: I don’t know, maybe.

L: Maybe I could leave and you can tell me if Superman comes alive.

T: I’d have to leave too.

L: Maybe we could both leave, and then sneak back.

T: Good idea, but Superman just heard your plan.

L: (Throwing Superman to the ground) Maybe we can leave and then sneak back in.

T: Superman can still hear you. He’s right there on the floor.

L: Just kidding, Superman! Ha, ha ha. (now whispering) Maybe we could leave and then sneak back in!

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S is sick and L is jealous. This doesn’t speak well for L’s intelligence. S is miserable and looks it – glassy, red and sunken eyes atop purple/bruise colored half-moons, ever-leaking nose, and best of all a face and body covered in the large welts of hives. The only thing as bad as her looks is what she sounds like. With her croup she sounds like a hybrid of a sick seal and an emphysema patient.

In fact, she looks and sounds so bad that at daycare the other day I got the call no mom wants. Upon waking from her nap, her sudden onset of illness was alarming enough that K, the daycare provider, called to say that I need to come immediately and that S needs to see a doctor. I jumped in the car for the 20 minute drive and dialed the pediatrician. Soon I got another call from K. She did not feel like S’s condition could wait and called an ambulance. Holy panic!

The ambulance was absolutely overkill, thank goodness, and the EMT’s happily agreed that I could just take her to her doctor. Thankfully, although the cop who also showed up eyed me very suspiciously, as I had one kid with mysterious welts all over her body and another in 2 leg casts, he didn’t detain me long with too many questions.

Anyway, this whole long story is preamble to L’s jealously of S’s illness. Namely, he wants some medicine. And he knows how to get it (sort of):

“Mommy, I really need some medication. I have a headache. And a fever. I took my tempterber [sic] and it’s 42 and 8 inches. Is that high?”

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After L’s gymnastics class, we all sit around on tiny chairs at short tables and give our kids a snack. Snacks are L’s favorite food group and generally nothing can distract him from the task of eating. Turns out, that’s only almost nothing.

Yesterday, as he was collecting snacks brought by other moms for their own children, (he’s a master at begging for food,) a group of 10 to 12-year-old leotard clad girls was lining up behind him. A shiny blue leotard caught his eye, and he abandoned his snack and stood directly in front of the girls, staring unabashedly, mouth agape.

This was a very cute sight. He’s a good foot smaller than these girls, and knows no shame. He just stood there, staring. We then had this conversation:

me: (laughing) L, what are you doing over there?
L: (right in front of them, still facing them) I’m just looking at these girls.
me: Oh yeah? Why is that?
L comes over to me with a new kind of expression on his face. A mix of mischief and thrill, with a pronounced blush on his cheeks.
L: (whispering in my ear) I’m looking at their butts.

I could not divert his gaze from said butts and he left the building walking backwards. And so it begins?

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It’s been awhile since I’ve posted some of our car-talk. The sun was in L’s eyes while we were driving:

L: Why is the sun so sunny?
me: (sighing at this millionth unanswerable question in a row) That’s it’s job.
L: Do you wish there wasn’t a sun?
me: Nope.
L: Why? Why don’t you wish that?
me: Because it would be cold and dark all the time.
L: But then you’d be happy because it would always be your favorite time of day – bedtime!

I can’t argue with that logic.

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We live far from anything, so every day involves a fair amount of time in the car. I think it’s because he’s physically restrained and can’t use his energy in his usual running/jumping/dancing/climbing/throwing/shooting fashion that inspires L to come up with such funny and weird things to say as we drive around. Every day I think to myself that I have to write it all down. Entire car rides are filled with just the oddest conversations. So, today I committed our 15 minute ride to memory.

First, we played the opposites game. His idea. I say a word and he comes up with the opposite. He was very good at this game and even got my trickier ones like smooth/bumpy and hilly/flat. I ran out of opposites to ask him, so he decided to ask me some.

L: House.
me: House doesn’t have an opposite. It’s a thing, and things don’t have opposites.
L: Tree.
me: Tree is a thing too. Anything you can touch or hold doesn’t have an opposite.
L: Cloud.
me: A cloud is a thing too.
L: No it’s not. I can’t touch it or hold it.
me: Yes, but it’s still a thing, an object. Objects don’t have opposites.
L: You’re not very good at this game. I’m much better than you are. I got every one right.

OK, fair enough. A few moments go by in silence.

L: I wish I had a nose in my mouth.
me: wha????
L: So I could smell when my teeth are dirty.

Gross. Turn up the music, hoping for some quiet time.

L: When I have babies of my own, I’m going to name them Batman and Robin Hood.
me: Those are good names.
L: I just love Batman. I can’t wait until I turn into Batman when I’m a grown up.

I’ve explained that one before. At this point, we’re just waiting it out. Sooner or later he’ll realize that he’s not turning into Batman.

L: How many is Michael Jackson?
me: What?
L: How many is he? What’s the number?
me: I don’t know what you mean.
L: When he was born. Was I bigger than him?
me: Were you a bigger baby than Michael Jackson? I don’t know for sure, but I’d guess yes.
L: S is going to name her baby Michael Jackson. Or maybe I’ll have Batman and Michael Jackson, and she’ll have Robin Hood. Is that a good idea?
me: That’s a great idea. Glad we worked that out.

We’ve now been driving for about 7 minutes. Have at least that much to go still.

L: Is Batman dead?
me: (hopeful) I like this song. Let’s sing!
L: (not at all distracted) Is he dead though?
me: No. Batman is not real, so he’s not dead.
L: But the real Batman, is he dead?
me: No.
L: Is Michael Jackson dead?
me: Yes, he is.
L: Can we go visit him? I want to go to his house.
me: (WTF? MJ can lure little boys to his house even from the grave? What is this power of his??) We can’t visit him because he died. And we don’t know him. Didn’t know him. We’re not going to his house.
L: Maybe I’ll live in his house when I’m a grown up, and then I’ll be dead too. Are you going to die?
me: L, this really isn’t something for you to worry about.
L: But you’re so old.
me: Not so old. I plan on being around for a long, long time. It’s really not something for you to worry about.
L: Is Michael Jackson still dead? Does he know Batman?

With that we pull into our destination. The inner workings of L’s mind are a strange place indeed.

 

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I’ve written before about L’s funny conversations with Nana. The combination of his toddler-speak and her accent makes for a total communication breakdown that neither of them seems to mind or notice. As I’m often the only person in the room who understands both of them, I am witness to so many strange conversations, and I marvel that they seem to get by without full-time translators.

According to L’s pronunciation, many words begin with the letter B. He’s not excited, he’s becited. When he wants to interrupt, he says “bescuse me.” He bemembers things rather than remembers. He loves to eat bessert and his favorite vegetable is bematoes.

It’s been a little while since Nana left, but I guess she was on L’s mind. Out of nowhere L said this to me in the car, and it made me laugh out loud:

“Some people, like you and me, say bemato. But did you know that other people say tom-aaah-to?” The latter said with exaggerated fake English-ish accent, and perfect enunciated T’s.

Maybe you had to be there…

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