L comes up with new, crazy-ass ways to be bad on a daily basis. It’s 9:45 PM and we hear him walking around after he had been sleeping. I go upstairs to check on him. He’s happy, gives me a big hug. His hair is wet. Really wet.
“Why is your hair wet?”
“Because I’m so cold.”
Hmmm. Not a good answer. I go into his room to tuck him back into his bed. His bed is soaked. The whole bed. From pillow right on down.
“Why is your bed wet?” No answer. “Did you pee?” (All over it?) No answer. I need to investigate further. I go into the bathroom where I find a soaking wet towel in the sink. Shit. What did he do??
Back in his room I begin to strip the bed. As I do I feel my blood pressure increase. My temper rises. Suddenly I’m seeing red. Here I go. I’m about to lose it…
“WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? YOU CAN’T BE TRUSTED TO LIVE IN A HOUSE WHERE YOU HAVE ACCESS TO A BATHROOM??? ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TO START LOCKING THE BATHROOM DOORS? WE’VE ALREADY LOCKED AWAY YOUR SOAP AND YOUR TOOTHPASTE BECAUSE YOU CAN’T BE TRUSTED WITH THOSE, BUT NOW YOU CAN’T EVEN BE TRUSTED WITH PLUMBING??!!”
I can tell I’ve lost it completely. I am now officially crazed. I can’t stop. My anger is overwhelming. I keep screaming. It’s like a freight train. Unstoppable. L is crying. As I move around his bed, remaking it, I step on something wet. Underpants, lying next to a wet pair of shorts.
“What’s this?” No answer. “WHAT IS THIS?”
“I peed.”
“How did you manage to pee in underpants and shorts when you’re wearing a pull-up?” No answer. Uh-oh. Here comes the red again. I can feel the surge, my heart pounding. Suddenly I’m screaming again…
“WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?? WHY DO YOU DO THE THINGS YOU DO?? WHY DON’T YOU THINK? DO YOU THINK I WANT TO BE HERE SCREAMING AT YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT? DO YOU THINK THIS IS WHAT I WANT? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BEHAVE?”
I went on and on with no sign that this tirade was ever going to end. T finally came in and ushered me out of L’s room. And now I’m here writing this while T finishes with L upstairs and puts him back to bed. Adrenaline flows through me. My hands shake as I type. I still don’t know the full story of what happened: what was water, what was pee or why. All I know is that I seem to be hanging on to the very last shred of the last tiny millimeter of the end of my rope. I no longer have a cushion of patience, understanding or perspective.
I am well aware that I overreacted tonight in a big way. I screamed like a crazy person. Like a very bad mother. My throat hurts. I’m sure my neighbors heard through the open windows, even though their houses are far from mine. L is now back in bed sleeping, not 15 minutes after this whole episode. Clearly he was not terribly distressed by my tantrum, which only means that he’s seen it before. That he’s not shocked like he really ought to be.
This is The Ugly. This is what happens here that I’m sure doesn’t happen in your houses.
I’m so sick and tired of fighting all the time, of the constant vigilance I have to keep with L, the nonstop battles over every little thing all day long every single day. It’s just too hard. It feels so unfair sometimes. Like I was given the wrong child. This kid needs a better mother – someone with more patience and kindness. I give up.
Hello, Universe? You made a mistake. You didn’t give me a challenge I could rise to, but one that has totally destroyed me. Please check your records and make the appropriate adjustments.
OK, the adrenaline has subsided. My tantrum is over. Now I’m just stuck with the shitty emotional cocktail of failure, weakness, guilt and sadness. Really, what was the big deal all about? He played with water? What the fuck is the matter with me anyway?
it is not only you sweetie – my kids could make mother theresa cuss lol
Sounds like my house.
You are dealing with things that are *more* than most moms have to deal with. We grow as much through our mothering as our children grow through our mothering. You’ve already forgiven L, and now it’s time to forgive yourself. As you seek help for your son, you will undoubtedly want to seek out coping mechanisms for yourself too, if nothing else, maybe this incident’s gift is that it helps you to do that. But if you read nothing else in this, please read this: forgive yourself.
I REALLY like this response. Very, very well said.
My first is only 2 and I feel like I have had it easy. I have another one coming though and I have learned to never say, “My kids will never act like that.” or “I would never do that.” or those such things. Everyone has a breaking point. I think it is a matter of learning how to cope when you have reached that breaking point. I know I am new and have a lot to learn so I will shut up now. 🙂
This post has almost brought me to tears and I have been there before, just last night when my incredibly sick 4 year old just would not go back to bed at 4:30am. I can totally relate to what you go through especially the emotions. I feel better knowing that I’m not alone – but still guilty about what I do and how it makes me feel.
Just know that YOU are not alone 🙂
Dear Allison ~ I sincerely believed I was the only mom who had meltdowns of epic proportions. So no, you are most certainly NOT alone in this kind of anger/meltdown/yelling/whatever. I fell across your blog when I did a search for mommy blogs. It has been such a relief to realize that there is someone other than myself who falls sort of the weird and uncalled for expectation that mothers can do it all and do it all with a smile. Gag me. The one thing that I do for myself and my sanity is to go to bed with the sincere intention that tomorrow is a new day and I will try my best because that is all I can do. Hugs, Jay
I do the same thing.. I can’t control it sometimes and I go from “please stop doing that” to “PLEASE STOP DOING THAT” & it just spirals down from there. I am greatful to have another mom who goes thru the same thing so I don’t feel like i’m the worst mom on the planet which I might be. I feel bad for the moms who are ‘perfect moms’ who act like there lives are so great & wonderful & don’t have any problems. Thank you for helping me feel more normal with my crazy & insubordinate children. I couldn’t have put it better then you did in your post & most of my other mom friends who I say this stuff too want to give me advice & have never been there so I totally thank you for making me feel better.
I can’t offer any advice, but I am so sorry that it’s been so hard for you. When the reserve tank is empty, when you are all used up, it seems like there’s only anger left. Been there. Hugs to you. You love him, care about him, and worry about him, it’s clear in all of your posts. I truly hope you are successful in soon finding a path to effectively dealing with his challenging behavior.
It happens. It’s okay. I can’t tell you how many times I have felt that way. You can’t beat yourself up, but you do have to move it forward and work through it.
I don’t know enough about your daily parenting with L to give advice. I can’t tell you whether you should practice counting to 10 or what.
The only thing I can probably say and feel comfortable saying is that I love therapy. 🙂 Especially with the dynamic you and L have going on and all the power struggles it involves. Maybe you’re already in it and just don’t blog it. But yeah, I don’t want you to feel so crappy about yourself or L. I think you’re a better Mom than you give yourself credit and L is probably a better kid than you give him credit for.
Anyway, not to get all mushy on you, but take care, okay?
My heart is breaking for you right now. YOU NEED A BREAK. Is there any possible way you could get away with your hubs for a few days? Or is there anyone who could watch your kids while you just get away for awhile? You very clearly need some decompression time. Wish I were close to you– I’d do it for you. Any one– a friend, a relative. I think you’re in crisis mode, and I hope you can get some respite for yourself, and soon. I’ll be thinking about you. PLEASE take care of yourself.
My friend, I wish I had words to comfort you. Since I don’t, I’ll pray for you and your family.
It’s not that he just played with water. It’s the culmination of all the things he’s done. He leaves each incident in his dreams each night but you carry them all with you- all the time. Its like stretching a rubber band. You can only pull it so many times before it snaps. These things have and still do happen in my house. I have yelled so loudly that I’m left with a sore throat. No, not my proudest moment but this is my reality. I’m trying my damnedest to help my guy and I know you are as well. That’s a good Mama. The bad parent is the one who’d leave the child’s room unscathed and not questioning themself. Willing you enough strength to get through… *rub your screen*
“This is The Ugly. This is what happens here that I’m sure doesn’t happen in your houses.”
Here you are wrong, as this happens in my home, unfortunately, all too often, meaning almost if not, every single day.
“OK, the adrenaline has subsided. My tantrum is over. Now I’m just stuck with the shitty emotional cocktail of failure, weakness, guilt and sadness. Really, what was the big deal all about? He played with water? What the fuck is the matter with me anyway?”
This is the after effects that i too feel every single time.
I often wonder the same, was i given the wrong child? WTF is going on here, where the fuck did this kid come from, why the hell am i being punished? UGH. SO many emotions and questions. I can totally feel your pain, especially in this particular posting. My youngest son is 4.5 yrs old and i swear to you, i do not know what to do with him most days, he drives me completely, T totally nuts!!!! He doesnt listen to a damn word my husband and i say. He is so completely defiant i am not sure i can survive this torturous hell any longer.
Today a fantastic example of his newest bad behavior of screaming at us when he doesnt get his way, and then throwing shit at us. For example. Today my husband told him not to get up from eating his lunch or else he would have to take a nap instead of going to pre school. He looked right at my husband in the eye and got down from the table, my husband said ok fine then you are not going to school you can take a nap instead for not listening, jr looked right at B and said if you try to put me for a nap, i will throw this cup at you. B fuming went to get him for a nap, jr threw a full cup right at b in the face hitting him in the eye! B called me at work after jr went down for a nap and was furious, asking me to call school and let them know he would not be attending today…. poor guy. B not Jr. He had already been dealing with difficult defiant Jr all day and then this. This is just one of MANY terrible things that may and usually do happen in my home on a daily basis. I feel for you i really do. We too are at our wits end and hanging on to the VERY END of the rope…..
“This is The Ugly. This is what happens here that I’m sure doesn’t happen in your houses.”
Here you are wrong, as this happens in my home, unfortunately, all too often, meaning almost if not, every single day.
“OK, the adrenaline has subsided. My tantrum is over. Now I’m just stuck with the shitty emotional cocktail of failure, weakness, guilt and sadness. Really, what was the big deal all about? He played with water? What the fuck is the matter with me anyway?”
This is the after effects that i too feel every single time.
I often wonder the same, was i given the wrong child? WTF is going on here, where the fuck did this kid come from, why the hell am i being punished? UGH. SO many emotions and questions. I can totally feel your pain, especially in this particular posting. My youngest son is 4.5 yrs old and i swear to you, i do not know what to do with him most days, he drives me completely, T totally nuts!!!! He doesnt listen to a damn word my husband and i say. He is so completely defiant i am not sure i can survive this torturous hell any longer.
Today a fantastic example of his newest bad behavior of screaming at us when he doesnt get his way, and then throwing shit at us. For example. Today my husband told him not to get up from eating his lunch or else he would have to take a nap instead of going to pre school. He looked right at my husband in the eye and got down from the table, my husband said ok fine then you are not going to school you can take a nap instead for not listening, jr looked right at B and said if you try to put me for a nap, i will throw this cup at you. B fuming went to get him for a nap, jr threw a full cup right at b in the face hitting him in the eye! B called me at work after jr went down for a nap and was furious, asking me to call school and let them know he would not be attending today…. poor guy. B not Jr. He had already been dealing with difficult defiant Jr all day and then this. This is just one of MANY terrible things that may and usually do happen in my home on a daily basis. I feel for you i really do. We too are at our wits end and hanging on to the VERY END of the rope…..
I am so, so sorry that you are going through this.
I see other mothers with their mild mannered, innocent, compliant children and think, “What is so wrong with me that I can’t have this relationship with my child?” and then she hits me, or bites me, or runs screaming “I HATE YOU”.
My one and only comfort is that the loud, obnoxious kids don’t get kidnapped. She is stuck with me until she is 18.
I Laughed out loud at your last comment “the one and only comfort is that loud, obnoxious kids don’t get kidnapped. She is stuck with me until she is 18”. That’s what I often say to myself after the end of a long hard day :oP
I literally laughed out loud at that last statement. I’m in tears. Best comment EVER!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG. I NEVER, ever, ever respond to or even follow blogs…but I wish I were there to give you a big hug and tell you that you are not alone. I have had the same thoughts as you after I have had an irrational outburst to such a minute freaking thing my child has done…which I considered to be a major catastrophe. I can relate to your emotions and I am pretty sure that both of my children will need years of intense psychotherapy after how much I have fucked them up. So, as I sit here at the end of a long day of working, cleaning, child rearing, cooking, laundry, tantrums, psychologically dysfunctional behavior, and homework (lol…i’m taking abnormal and behavioral psych..haha!)….my children are both sleeping and content. And even though I am not a perfect mom, my children are happy, healthy, and they know I love them. How can I be sure? Because my little man came home from school today with a drawing of the two of us sitting on the couch…him with his book in his hand, me with a beer in my hand (bud light written clear as day on the bottle), and a heart all around us. Yeah, so the teacher knows I drink in front of my kid, but hey…it coulda been worse ;P I admire your courage to share your true thoughts about motherhood because it is not easy and people don’t like to admit that. We are conditioned to believe that we are supposed to have unlimited patience and positive feelings toward our children but the fact is we are only human…sometimes you love them…but you sure don’t like them! Stay strong Momma!!!!!!!
I promise you it is not just you. I too act the same way you do and am consumed by guilt for my behavior. You are not alone.
Maybe he peed and was trying to clean it? You’re not the only one. I feel like I go on these tirades and have said things to my child that thank god was said when he was too young to understand. I don’t want to say all moms go through it, some really are born with more patience. But it happens to mothers. I’m on medication to try and help it and I still flip sometimes. Just know you’re not alone and eventually you will get through it. He will get through it . You will both get the chance to look back ay this one day and think OMG. Good luck to you. Take a hot bath and drink a large glass or goblet of wine.
You are so very very very not alone. Not that they were my proudest moments, but I will admit that, in response to things my now three year old has done, I have yelled, I have sworn, I have dropped the f-bomb, I have cried, I have thrown things (not anywhere near the kiddo), I have given up (and told her so), I have screamed into pillows, I have told her I’d like to sell her to the circus. I’ve never ever hit her, let me be clear on that to anyone who is reading this. I love my child dearly, but she knows how to push my buttons. I am a very single parent with a stressful work life. It never ends. And sometimes the fact that I don’t HAVE clean Diego underpants to give her, she will have ro wear the Dora ones, is enough to start a downward spiral of epic proportions from both of us. And I turn into a crazy person. Am I proud of this? No. But I won’t lie and say it hasnt happened. I’ve never claimed to.be perfect.
All we can do is take a moment, breathe, put ourselves in Mommy time out. Then apologize and tell our kids we love them. We’re human. We all lose our temper sometimes. It’s okay.
And I want to thank you for being so honest in your blog. Because no one else really says it like it is and i thought I was defective for not thinking that poop and craziness and willful defiance is all Mommyfuntimesrainbowsandunicorns.
I hope things gets better and much as i think its cheezball corny, here’s some interweb *hugs*
I did the same thing tonight. The one person in the world he can count on to NOT be mean to him and I did. I feel like the shittiest mother in the world and want to cry like I made him cry. How many times to I have to swear to myself I will handle it differently next time?!
It sounds just like my L! I agree, I think he peed, then tried to clean himself up….only was completely unable to do that by himself. I am so relieved to hear that I am not the only one who goes through this on a daily basis. Everyday I say “I’m so tired of yelling, and fighting, why….why….why”. My kids just look at me dumbfounded. Truth is if I’m not yelling, they aren’t listening…..a theory I have tested and proven. I can’t believe there are so many other moms dealing with these same issues. I too often feel guilty for the way I act, but often it is at the end of the day, when I am exhausted from the battle, and my patience is non-existant. God bless you for sharing your experiences, and making the rest of us see that we are not alone! much love.
It happens to all of us. Let’s see….. the other day at the end of my rope, I sobbed in front of my children yelling “I am NOT cut out for this!!! I give up!”. And then another day my son (in the bath) freaks out saying he needs me to get him out immediately and put a pull-up on so he can poop (god forbid he does it in the POTTY) and then proceeds to NOT poop and complain he is cold to which I replied “EITHER SH*T NOW OR GET BACK IN THE BATH”. These are just a few proud moments that I wish I could erase from my mind. And I am embarrassed to say that mine aren’t even that difficult compared to what I see other moms go through – so then I REALLY feel like a loser and crappy mother. Oh, and my kids know how to use “damn it” properly….a skill that they love to show off on a daily basis (I make myself feel better by pointing out that they at least don’t say the “f” word or call other kids names).
Ease up on yourself. When your kids are all grown up and are going through this with THEIR kids, you’ll be able to tell them these stories and say: “See? You turned out fine. Don’t be so hard on yourself”.
Omg, SDM, I am the same way. Every day. My kids aren’t as bad as I’ve seen other kids, and yet all my 3 year old son has to do is scream at his comparatively sweet and compliant older sister and make her cry, then refuse to apologize to her and then not sit still in time out and I’m at my wits end, yelling exasperatingly at him and grabbing his chunky little arms to make him look at me while I’m “talking” to him. And then I just want to cry and the guilt and shame weigh me down every second of the rest of the day….or until he pisses me off again. And I imagine what their preschool teachers (and Nanny 911) would think if they could see me in these moments, and I outwardly cringe and promise that next time, I’ll handle it like they would. Next time I’ll practice compassion, understanding and love in a gentle, unaffected manner and it’s going to WORK THIS TIME DAMMIT and I will never need to scream again.
Bottom line, like everyone else here Allison, we’re all doing it, too. And I commend you for being able capture exactly how it feels, so thank you for making ME feel not so alone.
Allison. You are not alone. Hear me on this. Yo are not the only mother who has trouble keeping blind rage under wraps. I do this. I have this problem. I have literally terrorized my children, my oldest in particular, with my screaming fits. Fits that seem to get wilder and more out of control. Bouts of screaming anger that have caused my kids to become seriously, although I pray not permanently, afraid of me.
I don’t have answers or solutions, but I have empathy in spades. Hear me: You’re not alone and it’s going to be okay. Keep talking about it, keep facing it, keep doing what you do. You’re a loving mother in extraordinary circumstances. You are not alone.
“Hear me: You’re not alone and it’s going to be okay. Keep talking about it, keep facing it, keep doing what you do.”
NinjaMom says it perfectly. The difference between – IMO – bad moms and good moms, are the bad moms don’t get mad at themselves for freaking out/screaming at their kids. They think nothing of it. The good moms are the ones who feel the spiraling, feel out of control, and hash out a guilty post or email or phone call to beg for advice or empathy or sympathy or help.
You’re working on him and you at the same time. This is a lot to bear.
I believe soon things will be better.
So, as my friend the NM said: Keep talking about it and facing it. This is what sets you apart.
Because it’s fucking annoying!!!! How many times do you have to clean their room or remake the bed? My 3 year old tried to get IN his 3 gallon fish tank after I tucked him in, another night he took a marker and scribbled all over my new hardwood floors, after I tucked him in. Why, why, why???!!! I basically say, “cuz he’s an asshole!” nothing to do with me!
You’re a great mom- buck up! You didnt beat him, you just freaked out a bit. But you knew to walk away… That’s the good thing!
I, More often than not yell at my twins. I sometimes say to my hubby that the kids won’t recognise my voice because I’m not yelling at them. Your situation is a bit hectic at the moment and yes that episode would have drove me to the brink to. I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times I have just given up and wanted to run away. I know saying to hang in there and it’ll get better is a cliche, but sometimes its all we have. Thinking of you.
Lorena said: “I did the same thing tonight. The one person in the world he can count on to NOT be mean to him and I did. I feel like the shittiest mother in the world and want to cry like I made him cry. How many times to I have to swear to myself I will handle it differently next time?!”
I could not say it better. Every day takes more than I have, and at the end I’m everything I never wanted to be.
My beautiful, terrible, awesome, assholish, amazing, horrible kid will be the death of me; but in the meantime, he’s scared of me and that rips my heart out because I try.so.hard. 95% of the time.
I’m really, truly sorry you had such a shitty night, but this blog couldn’t have come at a better time for me. My relationship with my 3 (almost 4) year old pretty much the same these days. My throat is still sore from the yelling this morning over a water mess… only she sprayed the entire bathroom with a squirt bottle while I was feeding her brother. (and this isn’t the first time). Every time I turn around we are fighting about something else. So far this week she has lost her markers, crayons, stickers, and books all for things I know she knows she shouldn’t do. And yesterday I made empty out her piggy bank and took her to the store to buy herself new toothpaste after she emptied the entire tube into the bathroom sink (not the first time for that either!) I feel like a crazy person and I always tell myself I’m not going to yell next time, but I just can’t stop myself! I spent an hour in tears on the phone with my mom and I told her the same thing about being completely at the end of my rope. I know many have said it before me but you are definitely not alone and I’m happy to know that I’m not either!
I’ve been there hon. More times than I’d like to admit. You are not alone. Thank you for being honest enough to share all the hard moments of motherhood. No one talks about it so everyone feels alone. I know I did, until I found your blog. So thank you. You are a good mother. You obviously care very very much. Sometimes life (or our kids) push us to the edge of that cliff and our kids come around and shove us off the edge. It’s the ugly truth of motherhood.
DO NOT FEEL ALONE IN THIS!!! Because you aren’t of course… You are just someone who has the guts to talk about “the ugly”.
We all go through these episode and we’ll all make it through 🙂 Trust me…my girls are 13 & 15(next month, if I don’t pinch her head off first. Lol). 13 doesn’t give me too many problems but Almost 15, well let’s just say she’s lost her friggin’ mind lately. When they were little, they pulled all kinds of shit, really creative shit. Lol. Anyhoo… My point is they are both still alive and well. I am too…I suppose 😉 (((BIGHUGS))) to all of you! Xoxoxo
My 4yo whipped out his bits, and peed on my living room carpet – RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME – when I told him it was bedtime not too long ago. Yeah, my Ugly comes out. At the end of the day, I am grateful for my bottle of wine, and the fact that he is a generally great kid in public.
Hang in there. You wouldn’t have this many readers if we didn’t somehow relate!
You are not alone, I have outburst with my kids and end up screaming at them. As soon as I calm down I feel so guilty for losing my temper and I cry. I feel like the worst mother in the world sometimes. But thanks to your post I now know I’m not alone and losing your cool occasionally is completely normal. Thank you for making me feel not so alone
Hi, as a mom I am sorry you had to go thru this. We’ve all had “just one of those days.” But from a different perspective, growing up I was L, and my mom yelled just about or even more than you. Up until i can remember my mother prayed out loud for me to behave or go away. Don’t worry about L, he wont hold it against you. In fact I think it has made me a better parent and once I hit about 21 my mother and I became the best of friends (despite anyone’s thoughts about her several thoughts of putting me up for adoption.:) My only advice ( take it or leave it) would be kiss them often and remind them when they dont need to be reminded how much you love them. This too shall pass. I will pray that God gives you strenght and patience. Continue being the mother you are. You are and always will be the most important person in your childrens life. Hang in there!
Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I have three pretty good kids but have found myself many times in situations like this, behaving as you did, so can only imagine what you have gone through to get to this point. For me it’s usually tiredness, or a build up over days or weeks of not having any ‘me time’. Sounds like you need to look after yourself a bit better maybe so that you can build up those reserves of patience that we all need. It’s really hard but it will get better. x
I reacted similarly when dd wet her bed 3x in one night last year. i just lost it the third time I had to change her sheets and flew into a cursing , screaming rage and I spanked her, too. The poor little kid was terrified and I’m convinced I’ve made her a bedwetter for life. She’ll be 5 soon and she’s still in pull-ups. That is my all-time-low parenting moment and I’m ashamed to say it hasn’t cured me of losing it around my kids. It still happens. I think I need anger management couseling. So if it’s any consolation, you aren’t the only one out there who feels like a shitty mother.
You already have enough responses here telling you that you are not alone and that they too end up screaming at their kids…..so I won’t write a long message about my own experience, but like all of the other mothers this happens in my house all the time. My 4 year old son does things and I lose it and scream so loud my throat is sore too. Literally, my throat is raspy. So, I am yet another mother here telling you that you are soooo not alone.
You are braver than me to write about this on your blog. I went through a really dark time with my L when she was four. She can still set me off with her unreasonable tantrums over ridiculous stuff. But during that dark time, it became very apparent to me that I do not have the endless patience that some other mothers do. And I am not cut out to be an at home 100% of the time parent. I’m not saying that’s you, too, but for me, my meltdowns meant that things were not working as-is. So now I work in an office part time and I have a day where both girls are at school and I have time to catch up on household crap and errands and the things that stress me out and make me have even less patience than usual. Oh, yeah, and a little me time. 🙂
Basically my advice is: Don’t be afraid to say “this is not working” – and make a change so it will work. That is what helped me. Hugs.
Nope not alone at all! Plenty of us already saying that but I still at time lose it with my 16 year old. Not that you should give up hope but understand that you are human and can only take so much. I too feel like a failure. But, life goes on and occasionally we do get rainbows and sunshine from our kids.
This post made me cry, I have 2 reasonably well behaved kids and I have episodes just like that. I feel SO guilty when I have a meltdown… it’s usually over something that when I calm down and think about it really didn’t matter anyway, but like one of the other comments, I’m supposed to be the one they can count on and I feel like a failure. I too feel like I lost my cushion of patience. I feel oddly better after this post, not that I don’t feel bad for what you’re going through, but because it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one.
Been there, done that. That is why I went back to work part-time and kids to a great preschool where they don’t yell at them all the time! Therapy does help. Take care of momma first then the peace will follow.
Nothing’s wrong with you! This shit sounds exactly like my house. I feel like it is a constant battle with my son. I hate mornings and getting him ready for school because it always seems to be an issue! Trust me chick, you’re not alone. 🙂
A little perspective…:
When my son was about 3-4 I once yelled at him in frustration: “WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BEHAVE?!?!”
His response: “But mommy, I AM have…”
He’s 19 now and (this may sound weird) the love of my life. My pride and joy. He still frustrates me from time to time, but not at all like when he was a short person who couldn’t be reasoned with. They aren’t little forever. L is probably a genius trapped in a little uncooperative body but his body will grow to match his intellect which will also mature.
Be Have… Am Have! Ha Ha!
I’m left thinking just how much you do need a break. A respite from all of it. A chance to calm, cool, and collect. But more so you need a way to have L behave the way he seems to at daycare. It’s not all you, it isn’t by any means. You don’t need to feel like a bad mother because you lost your cool, it happens to the best of us when we’re at our breaking point. He’s driving you to yours on a continuous basis, I’m shocked how often you don’t break. Have you gone to another assessment? Talked to the teacher more about how you could reinforce his good behavior at home? There has to be someone who can help. I feel helpless on your behalf. So unsure of what to say.
I don’t have kids yet, but I’m pretty sure that would be me. I have the patience the size of an ant. I’ve followed your blog tho, and it seems to me that even tho L gives you a run for your money, you still love him. In 5 years this probably won’t matter. 🙂
Don’t beat yourself up. What mother hasn’t had an overreaction or two or three, or one weekly? They forgive us, and then we move on. This is why I love your blog, you are real, and unedited. I get so sick of the mommy blogs out there, that are like HAPPY GO LUCKY us! BS is what I say. Thanks for being honest and showing this mom, that I am not the only one who went ape crazy over a wet bed.
Keep your chin up and remember the mom mantra: I do the best I can with what I have.
You didn’t smack L around, lock him in a closet or ship him off to Siberia. IMO, uou did all right.
With 4 boys, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve lost it in exactly the same manner…yelling, cursing, threatening to send them somewhere/anywhere. Our 3 (will be 4 in a couple months) yo is the most trying so far (we have 2 older than him and one younger). I’m afraid he will end up corrupting the youngest one with his bad behavior and when I blow it’s usually because of him. I always feel guilty afterward, but what’s already done is done. I’ve been trying to be more calm and speak quietly, but I just get to that point where I explode. The other day was a perfect example-I was trying to make supper after work (I work fulltime at a job I have to travel 1 hour/1 way to & from), hubby was in the shower and W just wouldn’t quit being naughty…hitting his older & younger brothers for no reason, pushing the baby down & taking toys away from him causing him to scream like a banshee. I kept saying W-knock it of…W quit hitting…W behave…finally after he hit D right in the giblets I blew a gasket…I yelled at him…asked him what the hell is he thinking being such a little monster…took his “boo” away (blankie with doggie head attached) and made him stand in the corner for 10 minutes so we could both cool down. Once daddy out of the shower he starts crying and making a big deal…I told him if he coddled him in any way I was going to put him in the corner too because I had had it with W’s attitude…needless to say hubby left him alone! Don’t cross the mama bear when she’s on the rampage!!! Been there-done that..and you aren’t the only one. I can certainly relate to your blog all the time and I love it and your honestly with all “The Ugly”. Too bad you didn’t live in WI..we are having a mommy/girls weekend getaway this weekend…sounds like you could use one of those too just like the rest of us!!!
You are not alone! At times I feel like the worst mom in the world! I lay in bed at night and review the day in my head and think – I wouldn’t want me as a mom!! So I say, tomorrow I’m going to be better, won’t yell, I’ll listen to them better, I’ll have more patience. But then they do that thing that they do that pushes me over the edge and it starts all over. I don’t want to yell at them, but why won’t they just listen???!! I have new neighbors that moved in next door at the beginning of the summer, a young newley wed couple, no kids. After all of us home from school all summer long, at each other everyday, I’m sure they would agree I’m the worst mom in the world, and I’m sure they go to bed each night praying that I would lose my voice!! we are all in this boat together, but kids bounce back, it probably gives them character 🙂 and it helps prepare them for life! (at least, this is what I’m going to go with!! Haha) hang in there, you sound like a good mom, take a break every now and then!
I remember my own mother (whom I love with all my heart) exclaiming that she was leaving. Just. Leaving. and she’d get her coat from the hall closet and walk down the street. I remember being scared first. Later, looking back, I was baffled. Now? I totally get it. In fact I’ve been tempted to do the same damn thing. My mom lost her share of marbles over the four of us, but she’s still the best mother I know, and one I can only hope to emulate.
But yeah. that shame/guilt cocktail? I know it well. I think to myself, why can’t I just have patience? He’s a CHILD and I’m an ADULT. I don’t know the answer above and beyond the comfort in knowing that we’re not alone. We’re not the first and surely won’t be the last mothers to lose patience (and sanity?). The fact that we worry and strive to be better has to say something. right?
I hope things look better in the light of day.
Honestly, this goes on in my house WAY more than it should. My husband often has to tell me not to talk to the kids the way that I do. Why doesn’t he get it? Oh yeah, because he doesn’t stay home with them all day and have to take care of them 24-7. As much as I tell myself I need to get it together and not meltdown like that again, it always happens. Don’t feel bad or that you are alone. It happens in more homes than you think. I promise.
L probably wet his bed and tried to clean it, but that’s not the point……
Everyone loses it and I have said the most awful things to my children (and they still seem to love me). Still, IMHO, since you asked (I think you asked, right?): the acculmation of the thousands of little things L has done is getting to you. A weekend away, a night out will all help, but he is going to get to you again after you recover.
Do whatever makes for feel calm, happy, in control. Every week. (Every day, if need be). Whatever that is. That something in reserve means the rest of your time can be not what you want it be. You have something that you control. That is totally yours and you decide what it is.
For me, it’s a brutal form of yoga and a therapist, but that’s just me. It doesn’t work if someone else tells you what to do.
Good luck, and will be thinking of you.
Oh sweetie, I have done that exact same thing. I have screamed until I couldn’t talk and was so angry I was crying, cleaning, screaming and everything else but drawing blood. At least I don’t remember drawing blood and the kid is still alive, so….
It does get better…it really does. It might be a while, but it will get there.
I remember one time (I was in the shower) and for some strange reason my kid decided it would be a great idea to take the cat litter, from the cat little box (therefore used!) and carry/spill it all the way from the living room to my bedroom and deposit on my bed. It was a very bad morning, suffice it to say (as I was supposed to be on my way to work!) I was a sobbing screaming mess and my kid was too young to really understand WHY I was so pissed. Oh, there have been quite a few of those moments…
But he’s 10 years old now. He has to clean the cat litter daily (hahahaha) as well as other chores and homework.
Deep breath 🙂 You’re not alone. You’re NOT a bad Mom or even a mediocore Mom. You are a mom who loves her kids, which makes you full of the awesome!
I love reading this blog and all the supportive comments! Nothing much helpful to add, but a little empathy with a smile: my son poops on the floor every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Then he stands there paralyzed saying “mama, pooooooop” until I come rescue him. We’ve got the peeing in the toilet down, but sheesh – there is no way to get through to him on where poop belongs. This too shall pass…
My son would cry would be pooped (thankfully in the the toilet!) but he would fight going #2 and cry while he did, then after wiping his bum he would fly off the toilet so fast and refused to flush if there was poop in there crying “ICKY ICKY!” lol funny looking back now, but oh I remember how stressed I was just trying to get him to understand! Lol
Jeez, everyone has already said everything so well. So I’ll just comment and say thank you. Thank you for being honest enough to share these episodes so candidly and provide a forum for us all to know that we are not alone, and for expressing yourself so well. xoxo
Everything you’ve written could have come from my own fingertips, my own adrenaline, my own Big Bad Ugly. *hugs*
For me, the worst meltdowns have been a result of my two boys conspiring against me…usually to destroy one part of the house while I’m furiously picking up another part…that they destroyed. Luckily, I have had the worst of these meltdowns with the kids in a different room (no doubt destroying it) as I once again threw all the couch cushions back on the couch, put five blankets back where they belonged, and shoveled fistfuls of toys into the trash…because I couldn’t take the debris on the floor another second. Mindless effing debris. I assure you that you are not the only one to nearly burst a blood vessel. When our moms were this age, they could scream “OUTSIDE WITH YOU! NOW!” but our society (not exactly free-range-kid-friendly) now condemns such behavior. Kids? Outside? You alone? Relaxing? Fuggedaboudit. Rest assured – you are not nuts! Or we all are.
I only wish when I was starting out as a young mom I had a place to vent and reveal my faults. Because I would have realized, I wasn’t the only one going through what you just went through.
Some people have bad days, nights, weeks, a never ending cycle. But they do end. You just need a time-out. A chance to breath and take a break from the mom job.
You are not alone!
Abbie
First time commented here. I just wanted to let you know that The Ugly is alive and well in my house as well. My 3 yr old is a master at getting it out of me.
I really love this blog and appreciate your openness. I often feel like I have no one to comisserate with about some to the challenges I face with my son. All my friends have relatively angelic children compared to him and have no clue where I’m coming from (I, too, have 2 other relatively good children, which disproved the “bad parenting” theory). Anyway, it’s nice to not feel alone.
Sweetie, I don’t know you, but I can most definitely assure this happens in other homes. I have a 3 year old who pushes me to the limit, almost daily, and not in typical 3 year old fashion. With 60 minute raging tantrums if she eats something she’s not supposed to, with endless hours of defiance. While I can’t know exactly what you’re going through, I feel for you. You’re getting help for your little boy, because you ARE a good mother. Don’t forget you. You shouldn’t have to deal with it on your own either. *hugs*
Am I the only one who thinks, “how sad for all of these kids!”? All of these kids who can’t fully articulate their emotions and their fully grown mothers responding with screaming and raging! Really?!
And listen, I know about rage. I would say I have some serious anger issues. But I choose to hold myself to a higher standard with my kids.
When you lose it with your children, I bet it’s in the privacy of your own home. I bet you don’t do it in public. Why is that? Because you control yourself because you know it’s inappropriate. I do the same thing in private. If I feel myself boiling up, I walk outside and do deep breathing. I’ve also taken measures to make sure I’m on the medication I need to be on to be balanced chemically. And I’ve started doing yoga so that I can better manage stress.
If you want to make a change in your behavior, you can. You just have to choose to hold yourself to a higher standard.
While I see your point, I think most of the mothers in question (certainly the writer) hold themselves to very high standards. People express a wide range of emotions with those they love the most (the best and the worst) and I’m pretty sure that, in the end, that’s a happy thing for most kids.
I did look at your blog…. and I hope you don’t fall off your very high horse.
Oh no! You say I’m on a high horse? Please God, no! Let me be a raging screaming mother who says every night, “I’ll never act this way again!”. Anything but an arrogant mommy!
OK, OK. Settle down. You have every right to disagree with me and even disapprove of me. But if you’re here for your agenda, please take it elsewhere.
I guess I misunderstood the point of your blog. I thought you wanted people to share their opinions so as to have some lively debates. I genuinely apologize if I’m out of line in voicing my opinions here.
You’ll probably think I’m terrible but I’ve blown up at my kids in public…not to the point of swearing or screaming…but the point where I’ve had enough and I’ve dragged them out of a store kicking and screaming…leaving an entire cart of whatever we were shopping for and have went home. The point is…it happens whether at home or in public. Besides…who wants to be all “medicated” just so you can handle being around your kids…that doesn’t make much sense either!
Actually I don’t think there’s anything wrong with disciplining in public. I applaud you for that! Many parents don’t have the backbone to do that. It’s screaming at your kids that I hold issue with.
In regards to “being all medicated”, I never meant to imply that I was an immovable blob full of drugs. My point was that I am able to recognize that I need help, and I’m willing to ask for it. Although I would love for my brain to make the right levels of serotonin on it’s own, I am willing to recognize that some things about my health I just can’t help. Like how I have lupus,… Or a blood clotting disorder…
I have one of those kids too. I have my sweet older daughter who behaves because she’s supposed to, never back talks, and helps whenever she can. Then I gave birth to the devil who’s most recent “funny” was when we saw some cows with horns (even the girl cows….I don’t know wth they are called) and screamed in the car “oh my God! It’s licking his balls!!!!!!!”. It was a calf and a mommy cow. She’s seven btw and is easier to deal with behavior wise but man does she have a mouth on her! She’s just like her mother…which is me 😉 I have lost it on her many a time and I’m surprised she doesn’t think her name is “For the love of God Karlie May”. Good lick……whoops….luck!
OMG! This is not funny but it is hilarious! Mine are now 18 and 20. Sometimes I long for the days of soaking wet beds. Little did I know they were sometimes the easier days. When you have a challenging child it simply never ends, it just changes. You definitely learn to pick your battles and know that most things you will be laughing about one day. They never cease to amaze or amuse. Best of luck to you.
I scream like the apparently crazy lady across the road when my husband was a child, I say screw him! I do yell a bit crazy when I’m at the end of my rope, it happens. Yues I feel bad afterwards, sometimes I don’t care, often I calm down and realise I overreacted but what can u do.
U are doing what u can w a kid that needs something u don’t understand and he can’t articulate. It happens to the best of us.
Honey… it happens to me all the time, and you are NOT alone, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, in fact I think those super patient parents are just creepy, like “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” creepy.
With my first kid (now 11) I absolutely won the baby raffle, never cried, did as he was told, took me one day to potty train him at the age of 2, and BARELY 2 at that, a week later… yep, bye bye bottle, and that was his own doing. I thought I had this mommy thing in the bag.
Then I had my daughter, my dear sweet spawn of a daughter. I can’t even begin to tell you the depths of hell she has dragged me through this past 9 years, and while we still have our daily dealings, I can say it has gotten a tiny bit easier, and she actually attempts to work with me.
But I have another one due, 9 years later, and I am starting all over again. God help me.
Wow. I hardly ever comment on blogs, even ones I follow and read regularly, but I just had to say…
You are NOT alone! This happens at my house too, and the cocktail of roller coaster emotions always follows too.
Hugs momma!
I could have written this post about my life and tantrums many times over! *hugs* parenthood is fucking hard! One thing that I am finding really helpful with my ‘challenging child’ is the Incredible Years course http://www.incredibleyears.com/ . It’s pretty fantastic!
Oh no. I do this too-I think most people lose their patience and blow up occasionally. Try not to beat yourself up.
Thanks for posting this, Allison! Your honestly and bravery know no bounds. Sadly, our patience does. I just don’t believe that most parents don’t know this experience intimately. I certainly do! SERENITY NOW!!!!!
This blog has had an unexpected effect on me – last night, after reading this post and all the comments, I was able to figure out more positive and fun ways to handle the nightly bath/bedtime resistance! My two little ones and I ended up laughing most of the way through it, and enjoying ourselves, and it took LESS time. I was simply filled up with knowing there are so many more of “me” out there going through the same things, and it gave me a kind of boost that worked out as a win for us last night. My husband travels a lot and I am a SAHM, so a lot of days putting the kids to bed is the last thing I feel like doing after a day of tantrums, fighting, and refusing to eat anything I put in front of them.
Anyway, thank you for this blog, and thank you for all the followers. ❤
We ALL have those moments! Don’t feel bad. Look at the bright side, at lease you had “T” to come take over while you stepped out for your own sanity. Thanks to a lying, cheating husband I am now divorced and do it all on my own. It could always be worse. 🙂
Are you SURE this nevern happens in anyone else’s house? 😉
It happens in mine. Don’t beat yourself up. I have quite a few tantrums and I WISH someone would come and give me a time-out. My husband works nights so I am usually putting them to bed (if you can call it that) by myself. All 3 of them fighting with me, each other, the toothpaste and the stuffed animals.
I had to laugh when I read “Why don’t you think?” I hear myself screaming that phrase almost nightly.
It is a rare night that I don’t go downstairs after the chaos has subsided and have myself a shot of Jack. No kidding.
As the daughter of someone who would lose it and yell things like “what’s wrong with you” and “I don’t want to be a parent anymore” I can tell you that kids do remember and do get hurt.
But as a mom of three kids who don’t respond when I ask nicely, I know it’s impossible not to yell sometimes. No matter how of a standard you set, some kids push back too hard. Being a mom is really, really hard. I think what you do during the other times matter most – all the loving gestures, the time you make for your kids, and all those stupid things you do for your kids when you’d rather do something else.
I hug my kids the first thing when I see them in the morning so if the rest of the day goes to shit, I can say “Yes, I did tell them I loved them.”
I have also started writing letters to my kids after I yell at them. I write how I love them and I am sorry I didn’t handle it better. I write how hard I try, and I know it’s not their fault. Kind of like what you wrote in this post. It calms me down, helps me think about what to try next time, and if one of them comes to me as an adult and says “You’ve ruined my life,” I’ll give him the letters.
When my boys were younger, I LOST it. Regularly. That screaming when your throat hurts and they look at you like you are the scariest monster they have ever seen?? The worst. And fairly normal in our family for a few years. However, thanks to aging (theirs) and Zoloft (mine), the Hot Mess House is much calmer these days.. Good Luck!
I have to admit, when I was reading this my heart was pounding as my judgement set in against you! I was thinking WOMAN ARE YOU SERIOUS? acting this way over some mess cause by a child and some water!!! Lol…I almost didn’t read the while thing but I made myself read it lol…I have 3 kids, 2 perfect angels (compared to the 3rd) and 1 frightening challenge with a wildly independent personality and a smile that can win everyone over…everyone except me that is! I see her devious stares, her corrupt thoughts of “I WILL get away with this mom and there’s NOTHING you can do to prove it!!!!!” lol…now for the parenting lesson (or what I’ve learned up to this point anyway!) she WAS meant to be my child, even though I can SO relate to what you explained as feeling like god sent me the wrong child! There MUST’VE been an error somewhere! But NO! this gorgeous challenge is absolutely here, in my home, in my heart to teach ME….it’s so vital the we as parents learn to be parents as we parent, we can’t possibly expect our children to continue to learn and grow as they age as children if we can’t learn and grow as we age as parents! It’s that simple! Keep our temper/verbage/and most importantly our explanations up to speed is a must, with every new ‘moment’ we experience, I KNOW without question or doubt thus is an opportunity to educate her as my 25yr old 8th old, and me as her mother/authority figure! With that said, she is a true blessing in my life and I can’t imagine my life without her! She makes my blood boil and my heart race and my palms sweaty but I HAVE learned to teach her in a way that she response to in a positive way. Motherhood is such a confusing thing at times but we MUST continually grow with every new moment…otherwise, we are NOT doing our job! It one irate parent tantrum leads to another leads to another…we’re doing something wrong! Like it not that’s the cold hard truth!! And then there is the all too obvious factor, behavior is learned! Think about that!
My son sounds so very similar to L. I am in your shoes. I have had this situation way too many times. It is horrible. I am sorry that it is so hard. I am glad to know though that it is not just hard for me. Hang in there.
I just stumbled upon your blog and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your honesty about motherhood. It’s a rare thing.
Know you’re not the only one who “loses it” and then sits, contemplating what in the world could be wrong with them to go to such angry & irrational places. I’ve done it too. The remedy for me? I agree with something someone else said in another comment — it’s time for a break. Whenever I get to the point you mentioned in a post, I schedule in a break with a babysitter PRONTO! It’s amazing how a day away can bring you so much peace of mind and perspective. If you can do it, I highly suggest it!
Yup. I’m with ya. I thought I was the only one. LMAO.
you, dear, are not the only one…if it makes you feel any better, I go off on my high functioning autistic child exactly like this. Sometimes, I just know that anyone with an autistic child was given that child because they are patient strong ppl, srsly, my son is awesome…but sometimes, I feel like the heavens have made a mistake putting this fragile beautiful thing in my care.
I am SO with you…This seems to happen more often than not. My child to everyone else doesn’t seem to be “bad” or whatever, but I seem to get annoyed with her constantly. I am also pregnant and about to pop so that doesn’t help either. Every day I go to bed feeling guilty because I could have handled it better or been a better mom about things. It really sucks. I wish I could be that calm mother that handles things perfectly. I want to play with her and have fun, but I have a hard time with that because I’m annoyed most of the time. Just know that you are not alone.
I probably shouldn’t be on here, since I’m only 14 and very far from having a child, but your article struck me. My mother loses it worse than you do, and if she’s in a bad mood it seems like she’s a 24-hour yelling machine. Add that to the fact that she hits us. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but I can tell that she’s only doing it because she’s angry and not because she wants to teach us some lesson or other. My little brother has it worst – he’s 5 and quite mischievous (I’ve found that he can be quite docile if you treat him how he wants to be treated, but my mother’s one of those must-control-everything types). She yells at him for every little thing and hits him non-stop for like ten minutes and leaves him there to cry, and threatens to hit him some more if he doesn’t stop crying because she ‘can’t stand the crying noises’ and thinks that if you did wrong, you don’t deserve to cry. And she says things like ‘I won’t love you if you don’t do this’. So I don’t mean to be bad about my mum, but cheer up – I know she’s not a bad mother generally, and neither are you 🙂
Stephanie, I don’t know what to say. It sounds like your mom is having a really hard time and could benefit from some support. What you describe is not OK. Is there someone you could talk to who could then help your mom find the help she needs? A trusted aunt or other adult friend?
So glad I found your site- this sounds JUST. LIKE. ME. Like, exactly. Hang in there, I’ve been told it gets easier.
I see all these moms commenting and saying , “It’s Okay.” and “Me too” . Well, it IS hard to be a mom and it IS okay to make mistakes, but it is also really important to realize that if we are repeatedly yelling and screaming at our kids, we may need a break or a class or …..some kind of comprehensive help that prepares us or helps us expect the behavior of our child. I really believe that our kids can only take so much shit from us (the foundational symbol of security in their lives) before they existentially snap. The issue is always two-fold. There is our actions and how it affects us (guilt, sadness,etc) and then there is our actions and how it affects our kids. It doesn’t matter how our children’s behavior or actions makes us “feel” in my opinion. It is our responsibility to love, love love. So, yes, it’s okay and we all go through it, but for Christ’s sake give yourself and your loved ones a break and get to the root of that anger. So you can have some peace.