I’m not sure if Mama Hippo is the original author of this little gem. I’ve seen variations of this list around the webworld, but can’t find where exactly it originated. Whoever wrote it is brilliant. I especially like #’s 5, 8 and 10.
Thinking of having kids? Do this 15 step program first!
Lesson 1:
Go to the grocery store.
Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
Go home.
Pick up the paper.
Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2:
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…
Methods of discipline.
Lack of patience.
Appallingly low tolerance levels.
Allowing their children to run wild.
Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Lesson 3:
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…
Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
Set the alarm for 3AM.
As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
Go to bed at 2:45AM.
Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Lesson 4:
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out…
Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
Then rub them on the clean walls.
Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5:
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this – all morning.
Lesson 6:
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn it into an alligator.
Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Lesson 7:
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.
Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 8:
Get ready to go out.
Sit on the floor of your bathroom reading picture books for half an hour.
Go out the front door.
Come in again. Go out.
Come back in.
Go out again.
Walk down the front path.
Walk back up it.
Walk down it again.
Walk very slowly down the sidewalk for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps.
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Lesson 9:
Repeat everything you have learned at least (if not more than) five times.
Lesson 10:
Go to the local grocery store.
Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat.
Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 11:
Hollow out a melon.
Make a small hole in the side.
Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine-month-old baby.
Lesson 12:
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney Channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking, What’s ‘Noggin’? Exactly the point.)
Lesson 13:
Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two years.
Lesson 14:
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 15:
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt-sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 14 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
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I think I am ready for more children!!!!
I just laughed out loud for about 5 minutes. That is the funniest thing I’ve read in a LONG time because it’s so true!
I laughed until I cried! I just became a mom for the first time and I know all of that stuff WILL happen!
This scares me. Yet, I still want a child. But now I’m thinking like one…lol
LOL… so very true ( try breaking raw eggs on the car seat too… for a more realistic version of after shopping driving ).
LOL……so true…. sadly makes me not want to have the children I already have, let alone any more!!!!!
LOL! I’ve never seen that before, I love it! Thanks for sharing!
So true…every single part!!!
Well it’s too late. However, H is now no longer talking about moving to the (shudder!) suburbs where Man must go to a real grocery store and not just order his food online…x
Nah, you can just hire someone to do it for you.
haha that is so true! I wish I had read that before deciding ROFL.
If only this would get posted somewhere other than parenting blogs! Laughing out loud alone in my living room. I read this when my older kids were little and now more of it applies. So very hilarious and close to the truth – trying to get out the door, ha! I particularly love the swinging melon.
Got this on FB today and peed my pants laughing!
Oh geez that was funny! I need to stop reading your blog while trying to get Peasy to sleep (on account of the need to suppress the laughter) but given that it’s a 30-45 minute process, I need the entertainment! Thanks.
I love this…and it also scares me.
Hubs and I are trying to have kids and sometimes I wonder WTF I’m thinking.
True story, we have two dogs. (I know dogs and kids aren’t the same however, I think it gives me a little insight on the type of parent I’m going to be)
Sometimes when I’m coming home I can hear them barking incessantly when I open the garage door, so, I will sit in my car for 10-15 minutes waiting for them to calm down….I just can’t stand the constant barking.
This post reminded me of my dogs….
So true about the goats too…I can’t do self checkout because my 16 month old steals candy bars and eats them through the wrapper while I scan. Love this…thanks!
Sad. Looks like I’m not ready. LOL!
it is desperately funny and sad that all this is true. Most importantly, it feels good be in the same boat; thank you!
I had tears streaming down my face, I was laughing so hard. Discovered your blog today; what a gem!
I saw this when my daughter was first born and chuckled, ha ha. Now that she is 16-months, I had tears streaming and also, felt a bit frightened at how accurate some of these lessons are! I never thought I would get used to having things crunch/smush under my feet as I walk through the house and just keep walking…
My favorite was #15 – I have 3 kids (3, 6, 10) and they STILL do that when I’m talking to another adult – mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, etc… etc… etc… LOVE IT!
Left you an award over on my blog:)
http://stepping-on-cheerios.blogspot.com/2011/01/and-award-goes-to-me-and-maybe-you.html
I saw this on Facebook and laughed my ass off. Especially at the “goat in the grocery store” part.
Haa Haa!!!
I have never seen that before … and that is GREAT!!! OH SO TRUE!!! Thanks for the laugh today!!!
Oh my word, this is hilarious. #11 has to be my favorite. Thanks for sharing!
Omg. I am all rotavirus-y yet laughing though the pain. Thanks for making me giggle!
Maybe I missed it, but I would add – go to the bathroom right next to the highway. You will never be able to close the door and have two minutes alone in there again.
And just when you think you’ve mastered these skills… they become TEENAGERS!
They channel Stewie from Family Guy
Stewie: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Momma! Momma! Momma! Momma! Momma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Lois: WHAT!
Stewie: …Hi! [runs out of room] Teeheeheeheehee!
They eat more than a pack of goats
The temper tantrums don’t stop, they just get better
Teenage boys bedrooms smell worse than a compost pile
They FINALLY like to take naps
AND they become MORE expensive
Terrified….
Too funny! Love the swinging melon. Perhaps I only have one child because I still remember most of these things, but my husband is campaigning for another…
oh man. I have 3 children and we will have more someday….but this is AWESOME. I like the melon one. And I have 2 sons, currently 4 and 2, and they can currently have 500 calories in a meal at 4:30 pm and then go to mass at 5:00 pm and both misbehave the whole time because they’re HUNGRY. They eat every 2 hours at least. and they are in the 50% tile for weight (and more for height). I am truly, truly afraid of the teenage years. (fortunately for the appetities our #3 is a girl…) Also, the rake on the side of the van is scary, but I cannot leave the 2 year old in the garage for 3 seconds or he will try to find something metal with which to hit the van…
wait til your 2.5 year old RUINS your lawn mower because he is obessed with machines and puts his “gas” — i.e. tiny rocks, water, and nails or screws into the top of the motor. And you have to tell the neighbors why you now use a reel mower.